First and foremost

Why is it that everthing never goes according to plan? For instance:

President Obama. Don't even get me started.
Adopting children out of third world countries. Yeah, there's a start. We try to help them, they say we're kidnapping.
Love. Hearts. Romance. Relationships.
Solving world hunger.
Tax cuts. Can we say millions of lay offs?
Life.

That's basically all I can come up with at the moment, for my mind is temporarily jumbled due to work and it's outrageous hours that I must uphold.

Sometimes it'd be great to be eight years old again.

No responsibility, no cares, no worries. Nothing to plan except the next game to play.

Fast-forward twelve years.

And you'll come upon a twenty-year-old single mother to the most amazing young girl in the world. Sure, most of the time I just want to sink away into the abiss while pulling my hair out...But then she gives me that smile and reaches out to me.
Right then, it is worth it.

When I say single, let's get one thing straight.

Yes, I have a boyfriend. Technically. He's only romantic when he wants something, heavy smoker, drinker, paranoid, controlling, always bitching boyfriend. That would be him. And I say single because, for this entire year of our relationship, I've paid for, and taken care of, everything.
My supposed engagment ring, our first house, then our second, the bills, our food, our essentials, gas, my daughter...It's just all too much.
And what do I get out of it? Constant bitching and nagging.
When I don't clean: Why the hell do you constantly sit around and do nothing? This place is wrecked.
When I do clean: Why the hell do you even bother putting things away? I can never find anything that I need. You need to just leave shit alone.

Um, hello. If I clean, don't bitch at me that you can't find anything. Ask, and you shall recieve. Also, if I'd rather sit on my ass and play with my daughter after working a ten hour day supporting your ungrateful ass, then I'm more than welcome to.



What he doesn't know can't hurt him..

So there's this other guy. And yeah, he's attached to his own ungrateful bitch.
I've only known him for a month...
But, for the first time in what seems like eternity, I feel like a teenager again.
Butterflies, tummy flip-flops, sweaty palms, heart racing...
After a month, when he asked for a cigarette and I coyly asked what I would get in return...
He kissed me.
He's a great kisser. Never have I been able to close my eyes during a kiss. It just never felt right to give complete trust in another person to protect me. But with him, it's different..

And when I'm at home, leaning against my real boyfriend and enjoying a relaxing moment with him, all I can think about is kissing the other one...

I miss the adventure. I miss the excitement. I miss the rush you're supposed to feel when you kiss somebody for the very first time.

I miss feeling alive.

In the words of Macbeth, what's done is done.

No turning back.

At least not for now...

For at this current time, I'm chasing after the butterflies.