The inevitable has happened...

I have become pregnant. Sure, it happened a while ago since I'm officially out of my first trimester on Saturday, but still.
I don't know how to feel about this one.
Don't get me wrong: I have no sour feelings about becoming a new mom all over again.
It's just the fact of who the father is.
Again.

Why do I always do this?
One fleeting moment I feel as though the world is right and I have my soulmate by my side. Sure, we have our moments when I absolutely want to strangle his last breath out of him...
But I don't.
God, help me, there are times when he deserves it.
But I'm better than that.
I'm above murder.

I think.

With my previous relationship, the father of my completely amazing daughter was controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive, psychotic, paranoid...You name it.
And yet I refused to see behind the so-called 'love' I felt for him.

How stupid can a woman possibly be?

I thought we were going to get married.
Have a big house, 2.5 kids, and a golden retriever.
Make a home.

My dreams came crashing down on me when I was five weeks pregnant.
That was the day I told him the news.

"I have the most amazing news- we did it! We're pregnant!"

Which was then followed by a swift kick to the groin, causing me to fall to the ground in pain.
My sister witnessed it, called the police, and helped me into the house.

My daughter is never going to meet her sperm donor.
Not if I have any say in it.



Flash forward to the present.

My daughter absolutely adores my boyfriend.
She even said 'dada' before 'mama'.
My little girl is almost 16 months now, and we've been together since she was 5 months old.
To her, he's her daddy.

Yet, what the hell am I doing with a man who is an entire decade older than I?
Yes. I thought he was mature, stable, safe.

I was wrong.

He's a ten-year old trapped in a thirty-year old's body.
He has four kids that he can barely support with his weekly payments.
He's stuck in a cooking job at Hooters that doesn't pay shit.
Paying close to 150 dollars a week in child support.

How the hell is that going to help pay our bills?
Not to mention that he's been fired three times already this year.

He can't keep a job. He can't keep his temper controlled when somebody does something he doesn't like.

Did I mention he never went to high school?
Yes.
Never went.

Means no GED.
No chance for a decent job.

I had him going to classes.
Does he go anymore?
No.
Says he can do it online.
Has he been on my computer?
No.
He sits on his ass.

I swear, men are useless.

And now I'm having his child.
What was I thinking?
Having a child with a man who can't emotionally nor financially support the four he already has?

I once read in a fellow blogger's discussion that she wished that friends had slapped her when they knew she was making a mistake.

I would like the same attention.

Somebody smack me.
I'm begging you.