it's a new revelation...

down down do ya thing do ya thing do ya thing

down down do ya thing

uhhhh.

don't mind the song, the damn thing has been stuck in my head all day. needed some way to finally get it out.

(it didn't work)

i have so much on my mind lately. i seriously need to scream, run, hit something, anything at all. i need an outlet to get everything off of my mind.

let me start this out for you, though. it turns out a lot has happened since i last posted. so, okay: here goes.

• i had my beautiful baby girl on christmas eve. and thank goodness, so far no postpartum depression. i have depression towards other things, but not towards her.
• my toddler is driving.me.insane. seriously. they were not kidding when they called it the terrible twos.
• boyfriend/fiance whatever and i finally set a date. july 15 2011 is the lucky day. and i'm letting my kid sister plan it. i can see a disaster in the making.

now, even though we're planning on having our wedding then, we're actually going to get married in a courthouse in a couple month's time. this is because i have decided to join the army. in order for my girls to stay together and for me to retain full guardianship of them, me and the man are going to get married.

now...speaking of the man, he's improved some. not much, but some. surprisingly he is still at hooters and is even in the talks of getting a raise. maybe. he was amazingly supportive during our daughter's birth. he even helped take care of me in the hospital afterwards, which surprised me further. he's been working his ass off at his job in order to bring home enough money so i don't have to go to work right away.

makes me fall in love with him all over again.

exxxxxcccceeeeppppttt for the intimacy issues.

we had sex one time while i was preggo. he was scared of hurting the baby. right. like he's that well endowed. not. we had sex for the first time at 5 weeks postpartum. man, it was a long time coming.

and we haven't had sex since. i keep trying to make advances; nothing happens. i miss him. i miss the excitement we had in the beginning our relationship. now everything just seems like routine. kiss and 'i love you' every now and then.

kinda feels like a roomie instead of my future husband and father of my children. sad.

i hate watching disney movies and romantic movies now. used to enjoy them. imagined having that fairy tale ending one day and meeting my prince charming.

now i'm stuck with a pain in the ass. he's not romantic, immature, doesn't have compassion, doesn't talk to me about his problems, blows my problems off, doesn't believe in anything 'lovey dovey'.

and somehow, the butterflies are back with him. everytime he touches me, it sends fireworks exploding throughout my body. he puts a smile on my face just by the thought of him being home from work soon. i see him everyday with our daughter. yes, he might not change her diapers or do anything 'icky' with her, but he loves cuddling up to her and talking to her. he loves being her daddy. it pulls at my heart strings to see those two together. doesn't help that she looks exactly like him.

we might argue, blow each other off, get tired of each other, get pissy with each other..

but i wouldn't have it any other way. he might be a pain in the ass for the rest of our life together.

but he's my pain in the ass. it makes everything worth it.